Aikidō: A Japanese martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course your enemy does not know how to properly do ukemi - in which case he will have all his bones shattered in no time. Aikiodo is also known as "the fastest way to union with the ground."

Arnis: "Harness of the hand," a Filipino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, concentrating on stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronunciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.

Bō: A long stick. Very useful for bashing people.

Bokken / bokutō: A stick that looks like a sword.

Bunkai: "Analysis." Sometimes the sensei actually expects you to know what you are doing.

Dan: Someone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt in a Japanese martial art.

Darn: The sound uttered when a Dan realises that from now on they will get hit more frequent and more ruthless during training.

Dōjō: "Place of the way." A training hall - similar to a B&D parlour, but without the mistresses.

Hakama: A black skirt worn primarily by Aikidōka, but they don't really like to talk about it.
(comment by an irritated Aikidōka: "At least we don't train merely in our underwear...")

Hikite: A chivalrous act in karate. By putting the fists to the hip the opponent is given a chance.

Iaidō: "Way of the sword," the art of drawing a katana from its scabbard. A rather interesting sport developed around the principle of "look how big mine is."

Jō: A short stick, but it still has a greater reach than a chopstick. After all still fairly useful for bashing people.

Jūdō: "Gentle way," a Japanese pastime where grown men roll around cuddling each other.

Karate: "Empty hand." The purpose of this Japanese art is the smashing of wood, bricks and humans. Karatekas enjoy pain; this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata: A series of prearranged movements practiced in many martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that might involve pain.

Katana: A sharp metal stick.

Kendō: An unusual activity involving wearing strange costumes and hitting each other with sticks while making inhuman sounds. Could be a cult.

Kiai: A battle cry that is supposed to go with the release of immense energies. It is can also be used to render an opponent incapacitated with fear (or laughter).

Kobudō: "The old way," a collective term for martial arts which turned ploughshares into swords.

Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Students of Praying Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs.

Makiwara: The karateka's equivalent to a cat's scratching post.

Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who graded in a McDojo or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 29.95 per month.

McDojo: Belts and glossy certificates on the quick. Special offers are available upon request. Who needs blood, sweat and hard work, anyway?

Nunchaku: Two connected sticks. Harmless looking but dangerous. Especially for the inexperienced user.

Ninja: A confused individual who takes pride in sneaking around at night in his pyjamas packed with hidden weapons.

Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around at night in your pyjamas packed with hidden weapons.

Seiza: It took the Japanese centuries to discover and cultivate the most painful sitting position possible for the human body.

Senpai: A more experienced student who is not yet a Dan; often used by the sensei for practical explanations. Ouch.

Sensei: "Teacher." The alpha of the dōjō. Knows everything, capable of everything. Supposedly.

Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that that the sensei doesn't realise that you don't know any decent technique or kata.

Tae kwon do: This Korean martial art that relies on its followers to develop the velocity of sound and the flexibility of professional ballet dancers.

Tai chi chuan: An art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. Unfortunately by the time you develop this ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

Uke: A way to avoid substantial unpleasantries; but also the name of the poor blighter who is about to be flung headfirst into the mat in the name of practice.

Zen: The discipline of enlightenment that emphasises on meditation. Mostly taught by old and confused monks who have had too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditations.

You Know You're Hooked on Karate When...

By De Stewart

Do you wake up Saturday mornings stiff and sore? Is another night like Friday night the only thing that will make you feel better? Do you workout alone? Do you find that once you've thrown a jab, you can't stop until you've followed it with a reverse punch? If so, you may be (gasp!!) HOOKED ON KARATE. How do you know? Here are a few clues.

1. You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar.

2. You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more.

3. You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.

4. You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.

5. You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gis.

6. You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout.

7. You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.

8. You know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.

9. You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides.

10. You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes.


Well, how did you score? Does any of these situations sound familiar? If so, it's hopeless - you're hooked. The only option now is to join CKA, Compulsive Karatekas Anonymous. Don't fret though. I'm sure you'll find plenty of familiar faces. See you there.

You know you are doing too much karate if....


You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.

You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.

You answer Ussss. To your boss.

You are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.

You tie your bathrobe belt in a perfect knot; then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.

You accept change from the cashier using a knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.

When you're outside doing gardening you practice with all the neat 'weapons'.

You look for new accommodation based on the amount of practice space it provides (who needs a bedroom?).

You find yourself practicing bo techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings.

You notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets.

You find yourself practicing stances while standing in lines. Strangely, most people are standing cautiously far, far away from you.

You don't use any tools while splitting firewood.

Top 10 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Judo Class
By Neil Ohlenkamp

10) Your club patch is a bulls-eye target.
9) First technique consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
8) The "gis" are used hospital gowns.
7) The homework is always to watch another Jackie Chan movie.
6) The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.
5) The club motto is "If you fall down eight times, get up seven".
4) Ranks are issued on scrolls in Japanese.
3) Students take themselves to the mat 2 or 3 times simply trying to tie their belts.
2) Sensei's hands are registered with the local police as a deadly weapon.

and the number 1 sign you've joined the wrong Judo club...

1) Did Jigoro Kano ever really say he was going to "open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone?

You May Be Getting Too Old For Judo If...
By Neil Ohlenkamp

The first and last words that you say every day is "Ouch".
The last time you gave a kiai your dentures projected across the dojo.
Your training partner always begins each move with "Don't worry, I won't throw you".
If you try the same movement twice in a row you consider it uchikomi.
Your belt and your hair have both turned white with age.
Each time your training partner takes his grip he always says "Did I hurt you?"
"A little action" means your prune juice is finally working.
Your get up and go, like your knees, have long ago, got up and went.
You are wondering if a walker is allowed in randori.
You would rei but you are afraid of not getting back up.
Your tokuiwaza is now geezer waza.
Your favorite competition throw is a kata move.
You hate meditation because you fall asleep.
You barely have enough ki to pull up your judogi pants.
Your favorite combination is Nuprin and Geritol.
You do have a favorite hold-down but you can't, for the life of you, remember it.
The cute new girl asks you if its really true that you met Kano.
You are adamant that tatami, like redwood, becomes petrified with age.
Your Judo membership number is the Roman Numeral I.
Your Life Membership certificate has the word "EXPIRED" stamped across it.
More and more you wonder why it is called "The Gentle Way".
You remember when Judogi pants were above the knee.
Your best technique is Ne Ne Waza (sleeping techniques).
Your artificial joints squeak when you perform ogoshi.
You are more active on the JudoForum than the Judo Mat.

forensprache ist deutsch!